For the past several years I've felt sad on turning 40 in the year 2000.

Once an aspiring mathematics student, I feel sad already on turning 40 as I won't be eligible for the Fields Medal in Mathematics which is given every four years to promising mathematicians under 40.

Even if I've never been a promising mathematician, under 40 means I'm still eligible for that honor; and by turning to 40, that eligibility is totally stripped away from me, and that makes me sad.

While studying mathematics in my twenties, I had so much fun and satisfaction doing it with the great vision of redefining geometry. I stopped pursuing that dream after the first year of graduate study, even if I continued to develop the idea until now.

Without proper formal education and credential in mathematics (ie. no PhD and Pos-Doc under the prominent mathematician), I struggle to develop my own ways of applying geometry into the real world application with the limited succeess. I can't get my mind off from that I wished I continued my mathematics studies in geometry and logic.

Going to the right school is the most important thing in life which I learned at an extremely expensive cost. As there's no turning back in life once you are in the wrong place, there's no way to make up afterwards to rectify your course of life.

(August 21, 1998)