At some point in your past, everything you did went against your intentions, and you got dejected for a while.

When I look back that point one of these days, sometimes everything around me at that time looks beautiful. I still remember vividly how things went againt my plans and felt terribly bad to redirect myself into the course. But somehow looking back becomes a pleasant thing to do. I don't know why. I should say only the good portions of those days is remembered suddenly.

I enjoy listening music and have a quite a collection of CD's, tapes and LP's. The other day, I picked up the music tape I hadn't touched for a while from the shelf. Suddenly, my mind went back to several years ago which I usually describe as a struggling days as I heard the music the tape was playing. (Most of my activities are related to the music I used to listen at that time).

But somehow, I couldn't remember any bad moments at all, and only pleasant things strolled through my memories,and unpleasant things couldn't be traced at all. At that time, I was trying to be a linguist to restructure human language and synthetic-machine-language. My choice of study and everything associated with it didn't work out at all, and I finally decided to drop studying linguistics and to move back to computer graphics world.

At that time, dropping linguistics was painful (?), but now it seems like it became a better choice for me. I thought I hadn't much fun at that time, but looking back I had too much fun so that I couldn't concentrate on studying :) People's desire is limitless, I didn't even realize how much valuable moments I was enjoying at that time.

I called several friends from that period and we ended up talking good times we had. I asked them whether we really had good times, and we ended up agreeing on that what we could remember was only good times. I think we really had good times.

I think I have to be more specific about that. I'm reflecting on early and mid 90's while I was a student at Berkeley studying Altaic Linguistics and Mathematics, and delving into Artificial Intelligence. I was pressured to write a thesis which is truly an original paper which will shake the scientific world :) I haven't written such a paper yet, and doubt about the possibility. I kept reading, writing and discussing with friends and professors, so I didn't have time to relax without ever worrying about what I have to do in a couple of hours.

I read most of the books I wanted to read, but not all; studied the subject I wanted to study, but not all; met many exciting people, but not all the people I wanted to meet and I thought I should have met; joined many activists organizations, but not all I had in mind; had enough vicarious experience about the world through the professionals I met, but not all about the world. I think have to admit that I could direct my life close to what I had mapped and that I can't achieve all.

I didn't realize until recently how much I learned in those days. Very little time was wasted, and what I mean by unpleasant time is little time which was wasted. I tried not to waste even a minute of my day. There was hardly a bad times while I struggled at Berkeley.

What I found out today is I miss all of my Berkeley days for good times. (6-15-97)